Welcome to "I Hope You Missed It"
Hey hello hi. Welcome to the first installment of my political humor newsletter, I Hope You Missed It. Each week, I’ll take you through some of the biggest stories that I hope you missed, then I’ll go into some smaller stories that I really hope you missed. And finally, I’ll end with an update on everyone’s favorite sprinting senator. Indeed, this is the only weekly political newsletter with an entire section devoted to Josh Hawley (I’m not sure that’s true, but I hope it is).
I started this newsletter because I’m addicted to reading the dumbest political news (aka political news), and I wanted to do something productive with that addiction. Please don’t suggest therapy because I’m obviously already in it & it’s not working.
The Big News I Hope You Missed
So big news this week is that the big news happened last week. Yes, the debt deal made it through—we’ve avoided that crisis and can now turn out attention to a variety of other crises. Something about completely manufacturing a non-issue to create panic for several weeks reminds me of Jeff Bezos saying he had to go into space because the amount of money he had was too large to be spent on Earth. Or whoever it was who said that. This newsletter is not fact-checked.
The Republican primary is also heating up. There are already nine declared candidates with three more expected this week. After DeSantis’ early stumbles, Conservatives the country over must have thought, “hey—I could be the main target of Trump’s verbal castration for the next ten months #whatittakes!”
By and large, every Republican challenger—save Trump and DeSantis—is drawing headlines only for their inability to draw headlines. For example, Nikki Haley did her big CNN town hall and merited an entire New York Times story about how there weren’t likely to be very many stories about it. It wasn’t a complete flop—an audience member praised her as a “breath of fresh air,” which in my opinion, is offensive to fresh air.
A couple bozos who are set to announce this week:
Chris Christie
Christie is polling at zero percent, which is extremely relatable, because so is everyone whose name was not included on the poll. It’s pretty embarrassing for Christie, though—even Connor Roy held onto his 1%. It seems like Christie is trying to occupy the “i hate trump” lane, just in the off-chance that something crazy—like the efficacy of the rule of law—knocks Trump out of the race. Eh, weirder things have happened.
Mike Pence
Pence, meanwhile, isn’t going full “i hate trump,” but he is criticizing Trump for praising Putin & Kim Jong Un. He’s right—it’s not fair that these dictators get all the credit when their #2s are also working hard! In Pence’s case, mostly just to stay alive, but still. (Fun fact: using the phrase #2 to mean “poop” was invented as a way to mock Mike Pence. That’s obviously not true—but doesn’t it sound true?)
Right now, Pence’s message is urging voters to resist the “politics of personality,” which seems fair. I think he could really stand out as the “candidate with no personality.”
Doug Burgum
North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum is also joining the race this week. I hadn’t heard of him until I started drafting this newsletter, although in my defense, I did assume that North Dakota probably had a governor, somewhere. Because I know the least about him, he is my current favorite Republican candidate.
On the bright side, though, New Hampshire governor Chris Sununu is definitely not running for President, as it seems like Republicans don’t have an appetite for a “normal Presidential candidate,” a phrase that we all know to be an oxymoron.
And, on the Democratic side, concern about Biden’s age grows. My favorite line from this age-related op-ed is: “His verbal miscues are nothing new, friends note; he has struggled throughout his life with a stutter and was a ‘gaffe machine,’ to use his own term, long before he entered Social Security years.” Everyone, calm down. He’s always been this slow. In his defense, some of what the article is claiming is age-related—an unwillingness to do events after 6 pm, for example—seems pretty standard. I’m 32, and do you know how relieved I am when my dinner plans get cancelled?
The Small News I Really Hope You Missed
I’m so sorry for doing this to you, but I’m going to discuss Mike Pence twice in this newsletter.
On Saturday, the former VP rode a Harley-Davidson motorcycle at the Iowa “Roast and Ride” event, and in so doing, made his greatest contribution to humankind. Indeed, as he angled his awkward body atop the fearsome mechanical bike, he’s did what no man has ever been able to do: make motorcycles irreparably uncool. Nearly 6,000 people in this country die on these little buggers every year; if you ever want to discourage a loved one from riding a motorcycle, show them this picture:
Haw-Dogging….
And finally, let’s get to the best part. What is Missouri Senator/Famed Runner Josh Hawley up to?
Well, after voting against the debt ceiling bill, he’s back in promo-mode. Since this is my first newsletter, I’ll catch you up.
Several weeks ago, Hawley published his latest book, Manhood. I sincerely hope that you missed his first book—The Tyranny of Book Tech—and I’d encourage you to miss this one too. I, however, read this book weeks ago. In the intersection of the Venn diagram of people who wanted an early copy of this book & people who got an early copy of this book is just me. Actually, I’m probably the only person who wanted an early copy of this book.
I can’t give away too much because I have a full review of the book coming out soon, but here is a passage about porn. The parts that you think about biblical references are, indeed, biblical references.
This book had a profound effect on me. Well, specifically, the part where he uses the term “hoo ha” to mean commotion. This sent me on a tailspin. That’s not what I know “hoo ha” to mean—although mine has been known to cause one. I believe “hoo ha” to means vagina—and so do 78% of you. I needed (needed) to find out if Josh intended the double entendre, or if perhaps (perhaps) he didn’t know. Josh is not that much older than me, but he is Midwestern—maybe they don’t use it to mean “"vagina” out there? So, I asked my mother, who is my token Midwestern friend:
Safe to say, if my mother knew, Josh knew. He has vaginas on the mind. And that’s what Manhood is all about.
For the love of God, don’t buy this book. If you need to read it, first look inward, and then consider SSRIs. If that still doesn’t work, ask me and I’ll email you a PDF. Do not buy it.
After all that bad news, have a picture of my cat to wash things out:
If you found this newsletter mildly engaging or amusing or in any way worthwhile, please share with a friend! Or subscribe. It’s out once a week. For more frequent musings, I’m on Instagram/Twitter @ginnyhogan_. xox
ack Hans, run! the Atlantic is pouring out into the internet! now nowhere will be safe from inundation of asinine redundant language from sophomores trying to sound smart. the new sequel to "biological sex" is out, "mechanical bicycle." not nearly as fun, sadly. here, we'll post the most normal looking picture of Pence ever and call him uncool. here's where we describe the political opposition as bozos, pretend half of them don't exist, and explain nothing about what's wrong with the other half. it's an editorial, get it? no need to bother getting into facts or details in an opinion article. we're here for people who buttchug The New Yorker and are still chasing that high of woke 'humor' about mental illness and oral sex. i know i'm the world's second worst critic, but i swear i really want to like this newsletter; it has a lot of potential. it's just torture trying to get water from the stone of establishment journalism, and independent reporters like you are the last chance we have at serious, credible, and honest left wing news. the Atlantic is particularly cruel to read, because i'll see a headline such as "Water is Wet" and think "thank God, a straight article!" and i open it up and the body says something like, "wetness is the quality of being saturated or covered by water, and all water's got water in and on it." and next thing i know i'm morally compelled to engage in dumb debate with dishonest people stuck with the indefensible appearing but accurate position of "water isn't wet" because their claim would result in an infinitely large universe comprised of nothing but water and they just upended my long held beliefs by trying to defend them as poorly as possible.