Trump gets indicted more often than I get dumped, and I get dumped way too often

Aug 16, 2023

Hello & welcome to the newsletter of all the political stories I hope you missed. If you want more jokes, I do have a paid premium version, and I greatly appreciate when people subscribe to it!! It also includes jokes I fear getting cancelled for, so good be fun!

The indictment you didn’t miss but maybe confused with the other 16 indictments

At this point, it would be easier to list the things Trump hasn’t been indicted for. So, I did:

all the racism
the grab-women-by-the-pussy thing (saying it & doing it). plus the rapes.
the children in cages
making a mockery of our country on a global stage. again & again….& again
telling covid patients to drink bleach
actually, now that i’m listing everything out…
he’s been indicted for a lot…
but it doesn’t really scratch the surface…
of the horrible things he did…
to be totally honest, january 6th was awful but at least we got that sweet hawley running video in return….
and he tried to kill chris christie!

For now, it’s Georgian election interference. Let’s get into it!

I just racketeered for five hours and boy are my arms tired! (I was going to make this the email header, but then I decided to just randomly insert it in here).

Prosecutor Fani T. Willis’ indictment of the former President was 98 pages long, which technically qualifies it as a “novella” (notoriously difficult to publish!). He’s charged with violating the “RICO” Act—Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations—which is a law that’s historically been used to prosecute the Mafia. All of which is to say, if I watch this trial on TV, my boyfriend has to stop bugging me about watching The Sopranos.

Trump should love the RICO Act, though, because “rico” is Spanish for “doesn’t pay taxes.” Even still, he’s trying to move the trial to federal court—I guess because people in Georgia don’t like him that much? Which is weird; he’s the same color as their state fruit.

Five of the 19 people charged in this case were women, which I respect. Gender diversity in Trump’s inner circle is—and I mean this literally—exactly what Sheryl Sandberg meant when she said “Lean In.”

I don’t know a lot about the legal system (I’ve dated 17 lawyers & was once asked to be part of a class action lawsuit against Twitter, that’s about it), but I have some questions about the jury selection. Isn’t the jury supposed to be impartial? People with no prior opinions about the defendant? Have you ever—ever—met anybody who doesn’t have an opinion on Donald J. Trump? Is it a jury of newborns? Dogs? Some of these newfound aliens? “What is this…a jury for ants?”

The New York Times covered this exact phenomenon, with the following hilarious quote (for my new readers, this is the bi-weekly newsletter in which I scour the Times for their funniest line):

Some pointed out that it was their votes as Georgians that Mr. Trump and his associates were accused of trying to subvert.

TFW u can’t get anyone to be impartial on ur jury bc u subverted their right to vote :/

The same article explains that the jury will necessarily be diverse, because it’s a diverse state. Yeah…we know…that’s why Trump couldn’t win it…

But they’ll find people. There are always more people. I also look forward to the imminent New York Times op-ed: ‘We Searched Every Diner in the Rust Belt & Found the Six Voters Who Were with Trump Through Every Indictment But Are Now Considering Voting for Marianne Williamson.” (who, btw, killed Bill Maher this week).

Trump’s not taking this lying down, of course. He’s holding a news conference on Monday, where he will present “irrefutable” evidence of voter fraud in the 2020 election. My best guesses as to what this evidence will be:

a voice note of a 94-year-old woman asking how the voting machines work
a tweet with zero likes that said, “I think i voted wrong'“
several dozen Truth Social screenshots
notes from his therapist saying he really thought he won
notes from his therapist saying he really wanted to win
a used tissue belonging to Mike Pence, no explanation given

Other news that you probably missed because either Trump is on the front page of every newspaper, or the media—in an attempt to look “unbiased”—puts Hunter Biden at the top….

22% of Democrats say they’d feel excited if Biden were the nominee, which is wild. That’s way too many. He’s Joe Biden. He’s professionally bland. Biden could be on a block with 14 artisanal gelato shops & 1 Baskin Robbins, and he’d walk right into the Baskin Robbins and order vanilla. And I say that with love. Or, at the very least, tolerance (I voted for him!! Don’t come at me!!).

Unsurprisingly, voters really don’t want the 2024 election to be Trump-Biden again. I get it. I mean, elections shouldn’t be like Bumble—I shouldn’t have to just keep seeing the same guys over and over again.

At the same time, is there any match-up you’d be excited about? How fucking dorky would that be? Oh, wow, these people running for President are so cool!! Shut the fuck up, loser. I don’t trust one single politician. Personally, I have never in my life approved of a message.

Biden has also said he’ll visit Hawaii after the deadly wildfires. Well, yeah, that’s the optimal time to go…

Matt Gaetz wants to be attorney general. I guess then he’d get to put all those pedophiles in jail—out of spite, for sleeping with his ex-girlfriends.

The DeSantis team is now using the sky like a teleprompter, sending messages to remind their candidate how to behave:

JK, Trump did it.

I believe we’re nearing a government shutdown again? Kevin McCarthy either needs to appeal to the most extreme members of his party OR work with Democrats if he wants to keep the government going. Poor Kev—no one should ever be forced to do, like, the barest minimum of their job. Personally, I don’t think Congresspeople should be the ones to decide whether or not the government shuts down. That’s like asking employees at a company to decide whether or not they want an indefinite paid vacation.

And that’s it! Thanks as always for being here. In political news (insofar as a woman’s vagina in the year 2023 is now political, and my vagina is featured in the show), I’m taping a stand up special in NYC Oct 13th. I’d love if you could be there, but if you can’t but still want a raw cut of the special, I have an Indiegogo with many cool perks (I edit writing!!! All kinds!).

xoxo

Ginny