Carrie Bradshaw's Ex-Boyfriends as the Republican Presidential Candidates
Hello & welcome to “I Hope You Missed It,” the newsletter of all the stories I hope you missed.
The stupidly busy senator I hope you missed
I could rail against JD (short for Just Don’t) Vance every newsletter, but I consciously try not to because it would get prematurely old, just like…well, I don’t want to say.
Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, JD has been doing SO MUCH lately that I just cannot avoid him. I’m not even covering everything in this edition; you’ll have to get Premium to experience the full force of his destruction (I almost used the term “philanderings” instead of “destruction,” but I thought that comparison was rude to men who cheat on their wives). Seriously, JD, do less. Get a hobby. Marie Kondo your closet. Marie Kondo your whole personality! Get a job at Beach. Do anything else.
Okay, let’s get into it. First, he wants immigrants to deposit up to $15,000 to discourage overstays. When asked how those without $15,000 should get it, he said, “ask Peter” followed by, “sorry, reflex,” followed by, “not my problem.”
Then (actually, idk in what order he did these things), he went on FOX News to say that medical treatment for transgender children would be “exposing them to a science experiment.” I don’t know what’s more horrifying to him—helping transgender kids, or potentially teaching children science.
Not his first time weighing in on the subject, of course:
Admit it would be cool if we could turn 5-year-olds into dinosaurs!
Then, he decided to hold up State Department nominees until they fill out a “wokeness questionnaire”…and for the rest, you’ll need to subscribe to my premium newsletter….
In other news…
Trump is nearly broke, which means different things to all of us—his PAC is down to its last $4 million, I’m riding high because I found someone to rent my apartment for $800 for the five weeks that I’m out of the country (speaking of, come see me at Edinburgh Fringe if you’re here).
Indeed, the PAC paying his legal bills asked for a $60 million refund of a donation it had sent to another pro-Trump PAC. I gotta say, though, I’m not optimistic that Trump will wind up in jail, but if all his PAC money has to be spent on lawyers, rather than YouTube ads, I’ll count that as a win.
But how are his legal bills so vast? I thought AI was supposed to make lawyers obsolete! Let’s see what it can do for Mr. Trump:
I think “alibi” is going to work really well for him. He just needs one close confidante to vouch for his whereabouts for the brief four-year period during which the crimes took place.
But politically, he’s fine, as evidenced by this poll:
As always, I cannot abide this Doug Burgum erasure!
Speaking of, it occurred to me that not everyone is as ill in the head as I am, and therefore might not know exactly who all the candidates are. Also, the last few days haven’t been dense with political news (the front page Politico story yesterday was “Here are 25 members of Congress who drive electric cars”), so I thought this could be a week to do some catching up.
As such, I wanted to take a quick step back. I’m going to explain the field in terms we can all agree are universal: ex-lovers of Carrie Bradshaw. I got my writing start in Shouts & Murmurs, so I thought I’d offer up some classic satire this week. And so, I’m pleased to present:
Carrie Bradshaw’s Exes as Republican Presidential Candidates
There are so many people running in the Republican Presidential Primary. The general election is over a year away, and I already feel like we’re on Season Four. By this point, Carrie had about 14 boyfriends—all of whom match up with a Republican presidential candidate, fortunately.
Mr. Big: Trump, of course—right down to the weird eyebrows and third wife.
The Guy from the Pilot Who Carrie Describes as the Loathe of her Life: Ron DeSantis
Aiden: Hmmmm. Aidan is “likable,” can’t think of any Republicans who might match off the top of my head, so I’ll return to this one.
The Best Man at Harry & Charlotte’s Wedding Who Calls Carrie Out for “Using Him”: Ron DeSantis
The 20-Something Guy Without Toilet Paper: Vivek Ramaswamy. He’s both young and famously invested in an ESG-supporting company (so embarrassing for him), so he probably tried to cut back on toilet paper, at one humiliating point in his history.
Justin Thoreau When He Can’t Cum: Ron DeSantis
David Duchovny: Tim Scott, in that he seems normal and likable, but then you learn he’s in a mental hospital and you think, “that also makes sense.”
The French Architect Who Treated Carrie Like a Prostitute: Ron DeSantis
The Guy Who Lived with His Parents: Mike Pence, who famously lives with his “mother”
The Man with Two Faces: Ron DeSantis
Aleksandr Petrovsky: Tulsi Gabbard, who is not running and isn’t Russian, but other than that is exactly the same.
Vince Vaughn, the LA “Agent” Who Lied About His Job: I can’t think of any Republican candidates who’ve ever lied, so let’s come back to him. Until then, though, Ron DeSantis.
The Yankee: Maybe Tommy Tuberville, if he runs? He was, after all, a football player. But he needs to make sure someone can carry on his business of holding up the military while he does.
The Man Who Steals Cheap Used Books for No Reason: Ron DeSantis
John Slattery When He’s Running for City Comptroller—A Job the SATC Franchise Is Weirdly Obsessed With: Chris Christie—the most seasoned, slimy career politician of all. I also sense that Chris Christie has peed on a woman before. That’s just my guess, but I would bet money on it. If these accusations rise to the level where Christie gives an official statement asserting that he hasn’t, I’d believe him and also count that as a win (for me). Hearing Chris Christie say he’s never peed on a woman? That’s MY loyalty pledge.
The Recovering Alcoholic Who Literally Harassed Carrie in the middle of the night: Ron DeSantis.
Jack Berger: The closest Carrie ever came to dating a woman, and yes, I do mean that as an insult to women, so that’s Nikki Haley.
That Time Bradley Cooper Did a Cameo: Ooof. I’m hesitant to say any of the Republican candidates are hot…but…Doug Burgum (this was discussed in last week’s Premium, please subscribe).
Anyone Who Was Ever Weird to Her in Bed: Ron DeSantis
Anyone Who Was Ever a Dick to Her: Ron DeSantis
All the Randos You Can’t Remember: Ron DeSantis
And the Ones You Wish You Could Forget: Ron DeSantis
Why Is He So Annoying: Ron DeSantis
Literally Why: Ron DeSantis
Actually, they are all really bad. Is it fair to single out Ron DeSantis?
The Republican candidates are awful, yes, but Carrie’s exes, too.
Except Aiden.
And David Duchovny.
Okay that’s it. Tell your friends this newsletter is fun! And sign up for Premium, or don’t. Stay well (or don’t).
xox
Ginny