The Winner for Me Is Doug Burgum's Eyebrows
Hello & welcome to my newsletter of extremely dumb political news. If the stories I covered this issue aren’t dumb enough for you, I also have a Premium version. And I wrote a bit more about the debates for Betches.
The Debate Predictions that Were Almost Too Dumb For Even Me, But Then I Was Like, Who Am I, If Not a Person Who Cares About the Dumbest Shit
It’s very stupid to me when Republicans strategists think they’re being smart by saying, “if you really want to defeat Trump, you have to throw your support behind one candidate.” That is low-key the definition of an election. For someone to lose, someone else has to win. I will take their advice though, and the candidate I think I’ll throw myself behind is whoever the Democrats nominate (but let’s be real…Biden).
Still, I read through all the pre-debate analyses, of course. Nothing new. Truly every debate prediction was like, "the winner will be Trump...but the loser will..also be Trump." And it’s true. These were debates with very little stakes. Honestly though, my favorite kind of Republican is a Republican who doesn’t really matter (I’m a Doug Burgum gal myself…more on that later).
Except, Trump wasn’t there. He decided to sit for an interview with Tucker Carlson instead. Fortunately, it was streamed on Twitter. Thank goodness. I was afraid I might be able to hear it.
It’s not as though Trump doesn’t care about the election. As he posted on Truth Social (which actually required a ton of scrolling for me to find, since he retweets polls at the rate of approximately two/second):
How does he think an ailing bird crashes? I have to imagine it’s…somewhat sudden.
Also, my favorite Trump tick is when accidentally he uses quotes correctly. Yes, “legendary” does belong in quotes, because it’s not a statement of fact, it’s just something one person said.
The Debates I Hope You Missed, As There Was Truly No Reason to Watch
Debates are so silly; they look like high schoolers (all I did in high school was debate team, so that’s my main context for people in suits).
So, who had the most to lose?
I’m reading House of Mirth right now, and there’s a line where Wharton’s protagonist describes herself as “very poor and very expensive.” That really made me think of Ron DeSantis’ campaign.
He’s has long been pitching himself as the “electable” Trump. This isn’t working, and for good reason. What I, personally, like about Ron is that he seems almost certain to lose. I swear to God, on behalf of socially awkward people everywhere, I truly yearn for better media representation than Ron DeSantis. All of which is to say—he had a lot riding on these debates. And he did not deliver. He did shout, though, which is almost the same thing.
The only other person with any stakes was Fake Vivek (aka Vivek the Fake): the man who built multiple companies from scratch(-ing out other people’s eyes). And to be fair, he’s nothing like the rest of the Republican establishment. I mean, he himself admitted that he only started learning about foreign policy six months ago, which is totally unrelatable to the rest of them, who never started learning about it at all. In fact, Chris Christie said that Ramaswamy “sounds like ChatGPT,” which is oddly humble—so you admit he’s much smarter than you?
But Christie is known as the Rubio-ender, and many were wondering if he’d do the same tonight. Not likely, as Marco Rubio wasn’t there.
Still, he got some punches in. For example, he and Pence piled on Ramaswamy, calling him an “amateur” and a “rookie.” I’d love to run for President; I think it would make me feel very young.
What actually happened in these debates? Not much.
Everyone but Christie & Hutchinson said they’d support Trump if he were the nominee, which is odd, because they had to sign a pledge agreeing to do just that to qualify for the debates. I guess it’s one of those situations where once you’re on stage, it’s too much of a hassle to get you off, so you can say whatever. The debate stage is something you’re stuck on, like the George Washington Bridge in early September 2013.
Mostly, though, the candidates just dodged questions. Pence wouldn’t even vow to pardon Trump, which is insane. C’mon Mike, he tried to kill you one time. Let it go!
Nor would they give straight answers on entitlement cuts, which does seem like something most Republicans should retreat from, as they are the party of entitlement.
When asked to raise their hands if they believed humans caused climate change, DeSantis said, “we’re not schoolchildren,” which is true. The comparison is actually really unfair to schoolchildren. Ramaswamy said that climate change is a “hoax.” I see his point—both devastating, expensive, avoidable, bad.
Instead of answering a question about a national abortion ban, Nikki Haley said this:
Can’t we all agree that we should ban late-term abortions? Can’t we all agree that we should encourage adoptions? Can’t we all agree that doctors and nurses who don’t believe in abortions shouldn’t have to perform them? Can’t we agree that contraception should be available? Can’t we all agree that we are not going to put a woman in jail or give her the death penalty if she gets an abortion?
A tip for the future, Haley—if you want to find common ground, the fewer questions the better. The probability of success rapidly dwindles towards zero as more questions get added (I could write out the math…but why?). What if you kept it to:
Can’t we all agree that we are not going to put a woman in jail or give her the death penalty if she gets an abortion?
I’m with ya, Nikki!
She did have some good lines though. For instance, she said this:
This is exactly why Margaret Thatcher said, ‘If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.’
So great. I mean, she didn’t write it, and it did constitute a “saying” rather than a “doing,” but I’m here for girl power! She’s never lost a race for office, and I think it’s cool when people are willing to try new things, even in their 50s.
I could keep criticizing the candidates for questions they dodged, but why? Ultimately for me, the winner of the night is exactly as I said in the email header…Doug’s brows.
I loved him in Schitt’s Creek.
Thanks for being here. Please share it with a friend if you enjoyed, or sign up for the Premium version. It really goes such a long way when people sign up for Premium. I’m on vacation next week, so I’ll release a piece of satire BUT…and here’s the catch….it’ll be Premium-only.
xox
Ginny